Thank U, Next

Sunday 5th May 2019





Last weekend I had a sudden realisation which has come from binge-watching Sex and the City as well as having a few conversations with my friends; I'm more surprised when someone I'm interested in treats me well rather than when they treat me badly.

Why is this? Why do we expect to be screwed over and treated like crap? When did this become okay? Why are we just accepting this?

Looking back at my relationships / dating life I've realised how many times I stuck with something because I was hopeful it would improve, even though it never did. Most of them started out amazing, but because of that I didn't want to accept that things had gone south. I accepted the times when I was treated badly, and I never really stood up for myself; if I did, I would have been much happier. That changed recently when I got messed around for the last time as I did stand up for myself and I felt much better about myself for doing so. I didn't realise how often I was accepting being treated badly until my friend pointed it out.


The conversation went something like this:

Me: me and x no more
EW: Oh no 😢 How come?
Me: *explains the 'reasons' he gave me and then the way he ended it*
EW: Urm wtf
EW: Good job you’re rid of him
EW: That is not ok
EW: How can you go from having a fab day and then him saying that
EW: Boys 🙄
Me: yep!! i called him out on doing it like that and he said "well i didn't want you to come over for me to say that and then you to go straight home".... ermm how about you respect me enough to talk to me and let me make my own decisions rather than deciding how i'm going to react?? apparently he had been thinking about ending it for a while...
EW: If he had, then he shouldn’t have taken you out...did he not think 🙃Thank u, next
Me: yep, and he gave me the whole 'lets be friends' so i said fine, and now he won't reply, but keeps looking at my insta story, so yeah thank u next


It was at this point that I realised not only how often this was happening to me, but also how often it happens to most people. Why do some people feel it's okay to treat other people like crap just to make themselves feel better? Is there really such a lack of respect in the world??

So, I decided to name this post as 'Thank U, Next' after Ariana Grande's incredible track. I love this song because it's saying that she's both grateful the relationship ended but also because it taught her something. And that's so true; everything that happens to us is a lesson.

I asked my insta/twitter followers to send me in descriptions of the worst person they've dated and what they've learnt from it. The idea behind this is not to trash talk our exes, but to show that no matter what happens to you, you will be okay, and that you shouldn't settle for being disrespected.


Here's a selection of the stories I received:

"I dated a guy recently who during a night out with me ended up kissing then taking home his ex f*** buddy in front of me. His argument for it was that she came onto him not the other way round. I just walked through town crying my eyes out before realising I was better than him and blocking him on everything, he had updated his tinder in the space it took me to walk to [the train station 5 minutes down the road].

Absolutely not worth my time and I've been so proud of myself cause it's the first time I've not run back or thought I was the issue"

"I dated a guy who I had been friends with for years. We'd been together for about a month, it was quite rushed to be honest but I felt comfortable with him because we'd been friends for so long.

I took him out for the day where I paid for everything - it literally cost me like over £150. We got back to his, had dinner, had sex, then I left to go home and within ten minutes of me leaving he text me to say he didn't want to be with me anymore. He never gave me a proper reason, and blocked me on everything so I couldn't contact him so we could talk it over.

I learnt that it doesn't matter how long you've known someone you won't always know them as well as you'd like to think; people have an incredible ability to surprise you. I'm a lot more cautious now, and don't let my guard down so soon"

"It was a short relationship when I was 17, it just showed me how fickle people can be. She was really nice on the outside, unfortunately suffered with [a disorder] but I tried to support her. She wrote me love letters and was always very loving but then I dropped out of college and was unemployed for a while. My mum ended up kicking me out then a week later she [my girlfriend] said that she can't have a boyfriend that's unemployed because it is embarrassing and she dumped me.

I learnt that people can lie and I should be more careful in putting my trust in someone.

I kind of fell for her because she was hot but I really didn't get to know her enough and it was a mistake. I should take things slower and not let my d*** do the thinking"

"I dated a drug and gambling addict, he also was a bit handy with his fists and been in prison. It took me ages to get over it not gonna lie just got to focus on yourself and realise it’s for the best, read the early signs properly and if it’s not right, leave"

"I was messaging a guy for a couple of weeks before went on our first date. We got on really well before hand, and we seemed to have a lot in common which is why I agreed to it; he wasn't the kind of guy I'd usually go out with. Anyway, we met up for dinner (which he paid for) and we were at the restaurant for nearly 2 hours because we were talking and laughing non-stop. Then we moved onto a pub where we were laughing and talking for four hours. He made me feel really special, I was comfortable enough to open up to him about some personal stuff, and he seemed really supportive and understanding. He dropped me off home, kissed me goodnight, and said he'd message me.

The next day he was really quiet, despite us talking almost non stop for the last two weeks, so I knew something was wrong. By the end of the day I had had enough because I knew he wasn't interested so I messaged him asking him what was wrong. He told me he was already seeing someone and it was going really well but he wanted to go on a date with me just to see what would happen. I think everyone knows what he meant by that, and I was infuriated. I called him out on it, gave him a massive lecture on how to treat people, and finished it by reminding him he wasn't that special.

I learnt that often if it seems too good to be true, it probably is, and to trust your gut. If you have a feeling something isn't right, trust that instinct. Don't be afraid to call someone out if you're not happy."

"I was set up on a blind date with my friend's girlfriend's best friend. I didn't ask for any info except her first name and a photo so I didn't give myself the chance to google her and find out anything. She was cute, but I knew something was off. We went out for dinner but there was no real connection she just got really drunk. When we got the bill she didn't even offer to pay despite it was her fault it was so expensive (nearly £80, and we were just at pizza express.. my half would have cost £23) outside the restaurant I said it was nice to meet then went to head home. She started screaming at me about how i should have been a gentleman and offered to walk her home, I was an awful person, I didn't care that she might get murdered, it was mortifying. In the end I chucked her in a taxi, gave the driver my number and told him to call me when she was home. 

I learnt that if there's no connection, don't stick it out. You're not pleasing anyone by sticking something out just to save face..."

"My first real boyfriend lasted about a year and a half. it was wrong from the beginning. I'd been single for a long time, i'd convinced myself that no one would ever want me or love the worst parts of me. He was the first guy that had shown interest in me and I went "this is it, this is the one". We're fed Hollywood romances where the girl is on her own for a long time and patience is rewarded with Mr Right. I went into this relationship thinking he was Mr Right and you only get one shot... He wasn't right for me. We were opposed on a lot of core ideals. He made me feel terrible about aspects of my life I'm still trying to heal from. I couldn't trust him around other people or to do the things he said he would do. I wasn't good at communicating things. I was told I shouldn't raise my voice, I should work through things and love people through their flaws (religion impacted this). This is true, in a sense, but you shouldn't stay if you're in a situation that's bad for either of you.

I've learnt about trust; this is something I still have to work on and heal from. Be open and talk things through. Having a partner who is good at communicating means there's less chance for distrust to creep in. 

If I knew this back then, I still don't think it would have been a good relationship. I know now I can communicate how I'm feeling, and equally I didn't go into my current relationship feeling like I deserve to have this love and I'm with someone who finds me amazing."

"Dating... the major lesson I learnt that very few people actually find love on Tinder. I jokingly talk about my Tinder experience all the time because it was 3 and a half of the worst dates of my entire life. It's easier to laugh through the discomfort of it all. 

Dating apps work for some people but you have to go into them knowing exactly what you want and being clear to them what you want. There's no point talking to someone who's looking for a physical thing if you're looking for something deeper. You can't change someone, but you can help them grow and in growth there is change, but the core aspects of that person you cannot change."

"My worst date wasn't very safe. A lesson I learnt from this is to speak up if you don't feel comfortable and to be strong. We all tell ourselves that we would speak up if we're not comfortable but it's not as easy as that. 

We'd been talking for a long time, he bought me a drink, and I felt I owed him something. I felt I had to stay even though I wasn't comfortable. I felt I had to say yes even though I wanted to say no. This experience, I don't mind candidly admitting ended in what I feel was assault, and what I feel I learn from that is to be more vocal, stronger about my opinion and my desires, and to be safer. I was a new dater, I never had any proper dates, and I think keeping yourself educated, smart, street smart, and you need to have an awareness about yourself before you go into it. I'm a firm believer that 'if you're having a string of bad relationships to have some time for yourself'. And just remember, not everyone is as bad as the people you've met before.

I’d like to add that just cos I said I should have spoken up more on that date doesn’t mean it’s my fault - women reserve the right to say no at any time whether it’s the start of the date or whether everyone is naked and ready to go"

"I was seeing a married man ( I know stupid I was very young) got told all the usual bull shit, ‘we’separatedted, we’re not sleeping in the same bed, I love you etc’ came in to work one day as he worked near me and found out he’d been punched in the face for sleeping with someone’s mrs and also he’d been sleeping with 4 other people including his wife, still to this day have never had an apology or an explanation. I realised just wtf have I been doing with my life"

"I went out with this woman after we'd been talking for a while, and it turns out she was pretty intense... she told me about five minutes into the date she wanted to have a baby and wanted me to help her get pregnant but that was it... I guess I learnt to be clear about what you want before you get carried away talking to someone."

I hope that if there is anyone out there who is currently stuck in a situation they're not comfortable in reads this and realises that there is a way out and you don't have to settle. Trust your gut - if it doesn't feel right then it isn't right.

There is nothing more important than looking after yourself.